Transcend your blind spots...
...by considering the ways you contribute to the ineffective communication.
Couples tend to focus on what the other person is doing and turn a blind eye to how they are contributing to the very communication problem that is so frustrating for them.
- Maybe you express yourself in a demanding way?
- Perhaps you’re critical of your partner making it hard for your partner to listen or respond?
- Or, it’s possible you don’t express what you want at all but expect him/her to know what your want?
- Maybe you do tell your partner what you want over and over again without it being acted upon.
- Maybe there is intense fear about asking for what you want because you equate that with selfishness or neediness?
- Maybe you don’t speak up because, when you do, it causes conflict and you don’t want to rock the boat.
- Maybe you have years of pent up frustration and there is an emotional intensity that is getting in the way of calm communication.
- Maybe you shut down when hearing your partner being demanding. The more you don’t respond, the more your partner will escalate the demanding tone. Is there a way to respond differently in this situation? Yes!
- Maybe you take many things personally and you hear your partner often saying, “that’s not what I said!” Is there a different way to listen? Yes!
For me, I was blind to how I often analyze my partner with my psychological labels in a conflict under the guise of truth-telling and “helping” her. Needless to say, that infuriated her. I finally saw this blind spot in my communication and worked hard to speak differently.
Therefore, when I work with couples I encourage them to focus on how they are contributing to ineffective communication even though it seems like it is all the other’s fault. This immediately empowers them both to change their contribution which changes the relationship.
Often, couples hear my encouragement to look at their own contribution, and interpret that as I don’t think they have valid concerns about their partner’s behavior. I do think they have valid concerns and want to support them to express those concerns in a way their partner can hear and…it is important to look at one’s own contributions to ineffective communication at the same time.
We all have blind spots. The nature of blind spots is we can’t see them. We really can not change some aspect of ourselves we are not aware of? So we really need help to bring them into awareness. Two ways you’ll be supported with this in the compassionate communication course:
1) A competent coach can gently support you in becoming aware of your subtle or not so subtle ways of blocking effective communication.
2) Just practicing compassionate communication in the way that I offer in the course will naturally disclose yours and your partner’s blind spots. It will become self-evident the disconnecting ways you and your partner are communicating and you can do something different which will make a world of difference in all aspects of your relationship.
Learn more about the 8-Week Compassionate Communication Course.